Ellen Degeneres was once voted "The Funniest person in America" and with good reason. These mostly come from her show, "Ellen", but a couple are from her stand up routines.
"Oh my god there's Paul Newman; distract him, I'll frisk him for salad dressing" (Ellen)
"I'd be envious if you weren't also completely unknown and relatively poor" (Emma Thomson)
"English people are smarter than regular people" (Ellen.... how true)
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said 'Let there be light', and there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better" (Stand up)
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her" (Stand up).
"She tried to trade her for some magic beans, but then child welfare got involved".
"Don't make me wink".
"It's lasagne, I figured I'd just go ahead and tell you right away so that there are no embarassing questions during dinner". Laurie.
They're not very imaginative people... They almost named me daughter".
I'm the one who put man, beast and technology together".
"She had candles lit in the bedroom and I'm pretty sure she has electricity".
"What's the biggest number, what, like probably what, eight hundred and something?"
"It's sending me a message, morse code, hold on, send..... more..... cheese?"
"Do you carry crumpets? Do you know what they look like in case I find someone who does"?
"It's not going to hurt your career, I mean you're an actress, that's not even a proper job".
It can't be a very homophobic country with all those men running around named Terry and Vivien". (about England!)
Let's go out and terrify some baptists". (Emma Thompson, on the show)
"There are a lot of stupid, narrow minded people out there and every one of them is, or will be running a movie studio".
"Leave it to you two to take an ordinary cruise and turn it into something romantic"
If you throw the tennis ball for him I don't think sexuality is an issue".
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that". (From her book "My Point... and I do Have One.)
"But you have every right to ask, why was I wearing your bathing suit while shaving your dog"? (My Point... and I do have one)
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today. We don't know where the hell she is". (Stand up).
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